Behind the Scenes of Feeling Behind
Redefining the pace and race of daily life
“SHIT. I forgot to respond to Amanda.”
I curse out loud and pray my daughter is out of earshot.
Standing in our temporary kitchen space as our renovation hums along, or rather explodes, around me. In my mom uniform of athleisure, as a silent commitment to myself that I will find time to be active today, aside from the copious amounts of activity I am already taking part in running around (Side note: Can’t we culturally agree that being a mom counts as a daily workout for once?). One hand reaching for Cheerios for my daughter, the other gripping my phone, feeling the unease of being behind on quite honestly, everything, quickly flush my cheeks.
As I am just about to swiftly send an apology text alongside a rushed response, I stop myself.
“Why the constant sense of urgency?
Why the mindset of inadequacy?
Why the feelings of being behind?
Whose race am I running anyways?
Because I can’t do this anymore.
I am out.”
I have never felt more behind than I have in these last two months.
Or, if I am being honest, these last two years.
I feel as if I am lacking speed to catch up with the collective,
and that I simply cannot catch up to myself.
And in feeling behind, the strong emotions surface of:
overwhelm, vulnerability, perfectionism, sensitivity, stress, anxiety, insecurity and confusion
These last two months in particular, feeling the comfort and gratitude of a good day. Quickly followed by the anxiety of several off ones filled with twists and turns. Forcing day-to-day work, home projects, social get togethers, spiritual outlets, to all take a back burner. Worsened by the presumed quick fix social media provides, which leaves me feeling even poorer, even more behind.
“Why am I not there?
Why am I unable to succeed as much as they are?
Why cannot I not seem to execute, function and produce at and on their level?
What am I doing wrong?
What do I need to fix?”
As I sit here in reflection, even more questions surface:
“Who sets ‘the pace’?”
[Let me rephrase this.]
“Who sets ‘the pace’ in your life?”
[Tears surface.]
“Is it you? Or is it (fictitious) them?”
“Why do we have to be in a rush to win the day over?”
Gosh, no wonder I always feel behind, I can barely catch my own breath throughout each daily activity. I know you are most likely thinking exactly what I am right now, per one of my great loves in life, Frank Sinatra quotes: “That’s life, right?”
But that just isn’t going to cut it anymore.
Today, I want to push the envelope. Place myself outside of my hurried, need for speed, comfort zone.
Today, I want to ask the question: “Does it have to be this way?”
The Unraveling
Unlike my previous pieces, this piece is going to be a bit different.
Rather than sit with, understand and write,
I am going to sit with, write and then, try to understand the why behind my own personal woe with urgency, inadequacy and feelings of behind.
Do you remember that game show, Super Toy Run, on Nickelodeon, where contestants had five minutes to run through a Toys R Us and grab as many toys as they’d like before time was up?
I was always so envious of the kids selected and felt an adrenaline rush just watching them speed through the store in their light up sneakers. The principle of this show was simple: collect as many prizes in the quickest time possible. It was assumed that the faster you were, the more toys you won, and the happier you’d be.
But, is “the more” actually “the merrier?”
I know that I would personally be the kid who considered all the toys that they’ve missed, even if I set the record for toy gathering.
Let’s connect the dots back to pace.
In analyzing a typical daily routine, I unsurprisingly uncovered that I am in fact, usually rushing from one thing to the next. Morning rush, down the stairs, Teddy’s lunch packed, “What am I going to eat today? Who knows?” Let’s throw on a podcast in the car, leave five minutes early, then I can get home with enough time to work for two hours. Shit I hit traffic, deduct 15 minutes from Gryffindor, emotions of frustration rise, which then throws me off my creative writing game.
Here is my reward equation:
The more mundane tasks I accomplish hurriedly
=
the more personal time I create for myself
=
the greater the reward
So,
the more I rush = the greater amount of time I have for and with myself = the more I achieve with my alone time = the greater the reward or feelings of personal fulfillment
But then, throw in the catalyst for emotional upheaval of something getting in the way of my time reward, like hitting traffic. Frustrations turn to anxiety, because I can’t control the outcome, which lingers and impacts my physical body, drains me of energy and takes away from the reward of sitting with myself, accomplishing whatever I set forth to do with my personal time.
So, I have to ask myself, “Is the pressure of the rush, the self-inflicted pace working? Is it worth it?”
No.
Because my expectation is as such: if I rush through each task, then I will get so much done that I have more time. If something comes up unexpectedly, it sidetracks me and takes away from my joy. My joy is the most important emotion to experience every day, this is my reward, this feeling, this emotion, is what needs to take precedence. Also, by the time I get to experience time to myself, I am so revved up from running around, that I find it difficult to sit and focus. My body may be physically sitting, but my mind is still doing circles around me.
The two POVs (Points of View) I want us to reflect on together today are as such:
1.) Who sets the pace of your life? {I’d love to think that this is in fact, myself, I set my own pace, but I know that answer would be lacking integrity. Which leads me to…}
2.) If your pace is one that does not feel quite right, as if it goes against your nature, how can you discover and honor your own pace?
What are we all hurrying, pushing, accomplishing, for anyways?
What is your reward?
I am convinced that in a past life, I simply ran out of time before fulfilling my life’s purpose. That I carried this notion of rushing into my current life, and that it is testing me. Gosh, it is quite honestly, testing all of us, I know I am not alone, sitting with these questions.
So, how do you reset a pace you’ve ran your entire life?
The Epiphany
Six Steps to Redefine Rewards, pace and race
As I sit in reflection, the following surface:
1. Stop holding your damn breath, “Breathe, dear one.” I cannot tell you how many cards I have pulled that have instructed me to breathe, it is comical at this point, but it is the truth. What if I was able to catch my breath, increase the oxygen to my brain, stop myself before leaping into the next activity? If I gave myself five breaths, recalibrate, and checked in. I think I would make more intuitive based decisions than I do now. Which leads to greater fulfillment than the notion of “winning the race,” because you are following your heart more so than your head. You are checking in with yourself on if you in fact, want to even be a part of “the race.”
2. Redefine your reward. Give yourself power back over each day. Set an intention prior to kicking off an activity. Ask yourself: “How do I want to feel right now? What is going to lead me to that feeling?” Be intentional. Identify what it is you are hustling for. Don’t hand your power over to your task list. There are always going to be things to get done, you’ll always feel behind if you are seeking the never-ending reward of checking boxes. Redefine your reward. Think outside the box.
3. Cut out the bull shit. If you have a choice, do you actually want to be taking part in what you are about to do? Or is this routine outdated? Did something become habitual that actually is draining you of your time, energy and is feeling stale? Replace it with something that feels life giving right now. The less you put onto yourself, activity-wise, the more time you have to sit with yourself and determine what is right for you, right now.
4. On that note, is a priority, actually a priority? Or, did you create a story that it is one? Another honesty check: Do you have to run to Target to buy face wash OR can you order it? Unless it is a passion, which some trips to Target are, where can you save time and energy? Where can you create less rush and more efficiency?
5. If you have to run, run your own pace and race. This isn’t the great race, this is your life. What pace feels best to you? For me, this is a helluva come to Jesus moment. My pace includes stopping to smell the roses, moments of gratitude, laying on the ground with my daughter, smiling at her just because, gentle movement some days, heart pounding work outs other days, more sitting, less doing, heart leading, giving more, sunshine absorbing, meditating days. I understand that, that isn’t always the case. So I create room for acceptance, but I prioritize my pace when I can.
6. Trigger check. What triggers you to join someone else’s pace and race? Is it lingering on social media for too long, watching the morning news, a TV Show, an acquaintance you are unsure about but still go to coffee with and then leave feeling depleted, speaking of that, is it too much coffee; what are those things that has power and influence over how you want to show up daily? (Hand raises slowly to the Starbucks nitro cold brew addiction I have. This hands down, or hands up, is my trigger to race around like a nut job).
In the end, I have identified that I feel the most behind when I am running someone else’s race.
I also know that this uncomfortable pace of mine doesn’t just change overnight. That it is going to take time to pull back in order to push forward.
This piece, is an open-ended, thought provoking, challenge. To ask yourself, “Whose race are you running?” and if it doesn’t feel great, “Why are you taking part in it in the first place?”
You will still accomplish all you have hoped for, on your time, your schedule, on your terms.
And when you do, you will be able to enjoy it so much more, because you have chosen to experience the reward you defined for yourself, that will make you the happiest, rather than taking on someone else’s reward as your own, or allowing it to pass you by as you run to “the next big thing.”
The reward of the present is so much greater than the chase and perceived reward of the future.
Choose the presence.
Define your own reward.
Honor your own pace.
And you will win the race, your race.
“One’s action ought to come out of an achieved stillness: not to be a mere rushing on.”