the journey

A short story

She is constantly connected: always on her cell phone, tablet, computer or watching TV throughout each day. She finds herself waking up and checking her work email, which she discovers to be riddled with never-ending tasks, requests or seemingly frustrating email exchanges with co-workers, clients or her manager. After reacting immediately to work emails, she then distracts and numbs herself with social media, podcasts or the morning news. There is rarely a moment in which she is sitting with herself, in the quiet of her surroundings, as she is always fixated on what is next. The multitude of morning experiences intensify, and she finds herself anxiety stricken and stressed, setting the tone of her day, even before she has stepped a foot inside the office.

The beauty of each brand-new day, each new opportunity, is overshadowed by the tinge of negativity she has brought upon herself at the start of her day, and she finds that it is carried through to meetings, working sessions and conference calls. She is buried deep within self-irritations, correlating her happiness with completed tasks, only to discover that vicious cycle is never-ending and overshadows her ability to truly enjoy her own personal journey as she is in constant search of her self-proclaimed destination. This causes her to slowly lose control of her authentic self as she starts to equate her identity to that of her job.

She is hard-working, value-oriented and motivated, but even after receiving a job promotion, feels proud and then quickly unfulfilled, determined to chase the next goal or reach the next level that will “finally, make her happy and at peace”. She knows she is smart, but in losing herself in her role, she quickly equates herself to be less than those who surround her in meetings, because of their higher titles. She finds that she is reserved and slightly envious of her colleagues that have found their voice. She equates this to their background, their experiences, all that she is lacking. She feels as if she is constantly behind. As if she is living her life according to her Google Calendar, which seems like a minute by minute stopwatch that reminds her of the limited time she has each day.

She arrives to work earlier and leaves later than most, because she believes the harder and longer, she works, the better she looks because her image and identity are tied back to her job title, and ultimately, her ego. Being connected 24/7, whether physically in the office or walking home / to her car absentmindedly because she is constantly refreshing her work email to check on new requests or responses, she is unable to take in the beauty of her surroundings even as she leaves the office for the day. She finds that she has become resentful of those who seem to have achieved the secret to a perfectly balanced life. This resentment comes out in the form of defensiveness when small requests filter through that throw her off of her work game. She feels as if she has put in the work, the hours, the sweat and tears and to receive an email like that, is a slap in the face. Her pride takes a hit because she has lost herself in her career and her self-worth is equated to that of what her colleagues perceive her to be. She thinks that if they assume that she dropped the ball on something, they must not think highly of her as a person.

She knows she is better than this. That she has values, faith and genuinely wants the best for those around her, however her all-consuming outlook on life as a workaholic overwhelms her and takes precedence over her true sense of self. Fear runs her life: it is what triggers her anxiety, her stress and frustrations. The fear of failing her job, her co-workers, herself, because she has become and ultimately is, her job.

She lives for the weekends, which means 105 days of the year, in which she only spends 52 (Saturdays) of those truly free from her job and those tasks she deems as obligations. Sundays are filled with catching up on work and endless tasks on her to-do list, because Sundays are the only day, she can actually run errands. She focuses on family and friends, and even though she is surrounded by genuine loved ones, she finds that she carries the job with her in the back of her mind along with the sense of emptiness from feeling as if she is lacking something valuable out of her life. Although she experiences moments of joy and laughter, her mind quickly reminds her of all she has to do next week. And Saturday’s are often spent in a constant tug of war of trying to find joy and fight fear.

Layered into her incredibly busy schedule, she books every work out class possible with the minimal free time she has, even if it means waking up at 5am with little to no sleep. This is due to her absorption of society, which dictates to her how she should look. Also, it provides her with an outlet. Her confidence is tied to external factors: how much she weighs, if she has wrinkles, what others portray her to be; the need to keep up with the Jones’ (or the Kardashians) and a false sense of aspirations, from influencers & celebrities, add to her daily stressors. She thinks that the more she works out, the happier she will be as she is one step closer to her goal weight. This way of thinking causes her to be self-critical most days and ends up adding to her anxiety. She loses appreciation of her body and prioritizes her physicality rather than taking care of her emotional needs and growth. She is driving herself into the ground and finds that she falls ill more frequently as she is not truly taking care of her well-being.

This constant motion of emotions, overwhelming her each day, have taken a toll. She has hit a wall, is on the verge of burning out from setting such high expectations for herself to accomplish items she isn’t even sure she wants to do anymore, but she does not even have the time to think anything through; she is exhausted and knows in reaching this all-time low, that something has to change.

She takes the first mental health day she has ever taken at her company and truly shuts off her work devices. Finally, in the silence of her home, still exhausted and feeling defeated, she connects with her true sense of self and her inner being for the first time in what seems like, since she was a child (besides that trip to Hawaii, in which she still checked emails and could not truly disconnect, so it doesn’t count).

The quietness intimidates her, almost frightens her, because she is not used to limited distractions or being alone with her thoughts. In this moment, she decides that it is time to take a hard look at her life as it currently stands and pledges to help herself or ask for someone to help guide her.

She wants to wake up feeling optimistic, grateful and defiant on what brings her true joy. She craves a semblance of work-life-balance and has to make the difficult decision on if the dream job she worked so hard to land, is actually aligned with her life’s mission and soul’s purpose. She aches to make the most of each day (including Mondays) and absorb the beauty & mini miracles that surrounds her. She wishes to define what her journey should be according to her mission and her highest good, not what society or other’s wish it to be for her. She wants to enjoy the journey, not just the destination, and to let go of habits, thoughts or actions that are no longer serving her. She strives for a healthy lifestyle, one that feeds her energy levels and raises her frequency to that of joy, and truly invest her time in activities that open her heart. She wants to let go of the need to control, and to let God guide her each day. She wants to trust that everything is in divine order, that what happened to her in her past does not define her, what other people think of her does not define her, it is who she soulfully is and God, that defines her.

Equipped with this new sense of hope & determined to make a lifestyle change, she absorbs herself in self-help books, podcasts, TED Talks, WWOD? (What Would Oprah Do?) meditation, yoga; you name it, if it is deemed spiritual or personal growth oriented, she tries it. She strives to understand the parts of herself that no longer serve her, to build awareness around them and question their existence. She becomes more enlightened and open to a positive way of thinking throughout her days. She analyzes her current role and if it is the right fit for her. However, even though she is putting forth the effort, she is also aware that she is still surrounded by deadlines, professional and personal obligations and projects that are demanding and testing her new flame of inner strength. She has felt she has taken her first steps, walking out of the woods, but knows her time is limited, and she craves an expedited version of her spiritual journey. She needs help and does not know what that means or how to find it.

Like any taskmaster and problem solver, she defers to Google to find answers. She desires connection and conversation with someone who truly understands where she currently is in her life, she desires a safe space to be heard and wishes for someone to walk alongside her, reassuring her in unchartered territory, to a brighter future. Someone to plan forward with, not necessarily revisit her past. She wants to work closely with someone she admires, respects and aspires to learn from. This understanding leads her to explore working with a Life Coach.

After spending what little free time she has researching various Life Coaches for several months, she comes across one a friend of hers recommends, one that is viewed as an Empowerment Coach. From what she has read, this coach works with women who are feeling called to awaken their souls and reclaim their life, by supporting them to take back their power over each day, embrace themselves wholeheartedly and gently encourage them to step into a space where they can shine their light and create a life they love. She schedules an introductory session with her and finds in speaking to her, their conversation flows effortlessly, and that the hour passes with what to seems to be a blink of an eye. She feels heard, seen and understood on what her current state and roadblocks are, as well as where she wants to be and how she wants to feel each day, in getting there.

They work together two times a month for three months. Discussing her current state: habits, self-worth, routines, lifestyle, priorities and future state: how to let go of patterns that no longer serve her, enhancing her sense of self and self-love, creating meaningful goals and putting in place the actions to achieve them. Through heavier and lighter sessions, she finds herself gaining a deeper understanding of herself, aligning it with how she wants to feel every day and what she is soulfully aligned with to accomplish. She finds that the time she taken to put towards herself and her personal growth in working with a coach, is invaluable.

It is as if she has read and comprehended her own, personal self-help book, customized to her life.

When the sessions have concluded, she is finally out of the woods. And although bittersweet, she is confident in herself that she has put forth the time, energy and work to have gotten to a point in her life where she understands what truly matters and prioritizes it. Her sessions have given her a greater understanding of how she became stuck, her habits that no longer serve her (and forming new, beneficial ones) and a renowned sense of her authentic self (outside of work!).  She knows she still has efforts ahead of her, that each day will present itself with new learning opportunities, but she finds her days to be lighter. To start with joy & gratitude instead of stress and insignificant life occurrences. That work may always be work, but that she is satisfied with her role because it is in alignment with who she is and strives to be. She is letting go of how other’s views of her shape who she is, that her view is the only one that matters and embraces herself, wholeheartedly. She is ultimately finding that life is about the journey, never the destination, and it is time to stop planning and constantly viewing her map and let go and be free to enjoy it. She knows she is perfect the way she is & unconditionally loved and that is what motivates her each day. She has found happiness in menial tasks, feels free of external burdens and is present with herself, with friends and family and only takes part in activities that bring her true joy.  She doesn’t have it all figured out, and she probably never will, and is perfectly alright with that, because she is finally embracing the life God has guided her to live.

After all, this is her life and she has taken it back.