Boundaries Part I: Relationship Boundaries
How-to Compassionately Create Boundaries… with a Door
Boundaries: a tired, self-help word used to describe individuals taking inventory of their relationships with others, reflecting on how they make them feel and determining if it is time to take a step back from a friendship.
Also, a buzz word that I personally feel, gets a lot of talk and little action.
One that is a lot easier said than done.
Because if you create a boundary with someone, making a conscious decision to either cut ties with them altogether or the less harsh route, taking a break and spreading out the amount of time you see them, may lead to the most dreaded d-word (no, not “damn it” although, I really enjoy that one) but drama.
It is almost as if we think to ourselves that it will be a lot less painful to suck it up and go to drinks with Barbara, listening to the same story for the hundredth time, of how she has various obstacles in life, but never sincerely tries to overcome them. Than it would be to come clean to her on how you’ve secretly felt off about the relationship for the last several months. Because she may add you to her lengthy list of life troubles and vent to mutual friends on why you’ve become one of them.
& No one wants to endure that.
Yes, boundaries are sticky.
But, also, time is precious.
Your happiness is essential.
Your energy is sacred.
And it is time that you become more aware of how you are spending it, who you are devoting your time to, and most importantly, and my personal favorite, where you are putting your energy. Because I bet, that even if you half-heartedly listen to your friend, Barb, that she is still an energy vampire. She is a drain. Post-conversation may lead you to think to yourself, “Why did I just go to drinks with her? I always leave either feeling exhausted or second-guessing personal decisions that she questioned. Feeling insecure about something I am proud of.”
You see, you haven’t just spent one hour of drinks with Barbara, you have spent several hours with her. How is this the case?
Because even after your drinks are done, you are left with the residual energy of depletion and turning over stones of thoughts that have you thinking up a storm of rational of, “What just happened?”
Now, I don’t want to throw Barb under the bus here. We have all been Barb and we have all been a victim of Barb, life is full of up and downs, but if Barb chooses not to rebound, and you have given it your all to support her, is it time to re-evaluate the relationship? To establish healthy boundaries that will end up benefiting both you and her?
It is in this question that the internal whisper increases to the sound of a loudspeaker.
Your intuition is nudging you in the direction of an answer you already know.
And that answer is “yes”, and you’ve known it all along, but you have turned a blind eye out of love, loyalty and maybe even to avoid a bit of drama.
So, what is next?
It is time to decide whether or not a line in the sand needs to be drawn. And it is up to you to choose whether or not you are going to create a solid wall between both you and she or one with a door, as a ray of hope and encouragement that a friendship may be mended.
How-to Compassionately Create Boundaries… with a Door
I am going to be candid with you: I have experienced trial and error in my life with how to create boundaries without burning bridges. I too, cringe at the thought of having to address hiccups with friendships that have been staring me in the face for a long while, and previously have either chosen to ignore these unresolved feelings or ghost my friend altogether.
How did that go?
Pretty damn badly.
Ignoring the inner knowing (my intuition) that it was time to address something painful created more pain.
And ghosting a friend as a result of the hurt mounting up, left someone with the unknowing of why we are no longer friends.
I get the sense that I am not alone in experiencing this or the only one who has made a rash decision, but I wish I knew then what I know now: that there is a third choice. I call this one the wisest of the three options (by a landslide) and that is this: creating boundaries compassionately, with a door.
To simplify this as best as I can (even though this subject is anything but simple) this means to create space, be with your thoughts, honor your intuition and express these discoveries with your friend. Yes, there is always risk involved, your friend may take your heartfelt conversation poorly, but there are opportunities of growth as well. Personal growth, because you made the wise and courageous decision to divulge your thoughts with your friend and relationship growth, presenting the opportunity for the friendship to evolve and move forward.
The wall is symbolic of the verbal + energetic boundaries you have shared with your friend (“This is how I feel, this is not our usual repour, this is how I would like to feel, how can we move forward?”) and the door is symbolic of the opportunity for your friend to decide to walk through to the other side with you and resolve the areas of contention.
Of course, and unfortunately, there are times where a friend can take your conversation badly, but if this happens, send them compassion. Don’t put up a double wall for extra protection, simply ask your Angels and the Universe to send them love, healing and to compassionately cut chords with them. Because if there is one thing we all know to be true it is this:
hurt people,
hurt people.
Don’t spend any more time thinking about what happened, how it happened, what could have happened, because the fact of the matter is that it did happen, and you addressed it with bravery, love and respect, and you can only control one person in your life:
You.
And only you are in control of spreading genuine intentions. Standing proud and confident with your decision. Doing it on your terms, with love and light leading the way, and wishing for the best outcome for both parties involved: Doesn’t that feel a heck of a whole lot better than holding onto resentment? Or feeling pain from the burden of the unspoken truth?
It sure does.
So, release the pain, cultivate positive energy, heart guided, brave discussions, spread love to the best of your ability and whatever the outcome is, is what is meant to be. But it is most certainly an outcome that you can hang your hat and heart on.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”