Boundaries Part II: Personal Boundaries
How-to Establish Boundaries with Yourself
I may be making assumptions here, but it is my belief that 90% of my viewers may fall under the category of “over-doers.”
An over-doer is someone who creates an almost unattainable, limitless to-do list ahead of a _____ (vacation, weekend-getaway, wedding, weekend of hosting, etc.) and who pushes themselves past their energy capacity to accomplish each and every task, resulting in depletion right in time for this meaningful event to take place.
As someone who comes from a long lineage of over-doers, it took me until my 30s to recognize this cycle ingrained in me, form awareness around it and compassionately turn down the dial on my zippity-gotta-do-it-all-da-day mentality.
Let’s take a look at the following example.:
You have a close friend’s wedding this upcoming weekend.
You may find, that as an over-doer, this is what your schedule could resemble:
Monday:
Early Morning Workout
Run-thru Outfit Options in Closet
Set-Aside
Tuesday:
Drop off Dry Cleaning
Coffee with Matilda
Research Local Hot Spots to Make Reservations at in-between Weekend Festivities
Laundry
Evening Workout
Wednesday:
Early Morning Workout
Start Packing
Grab Dress at Nordstrom for Rehearsal Dinner {because you may have not loved your options}
Get Eyebrows Done
Dinner with Jazmine
Thursday:
Early Morning Workout
Manicure, Pedicure
Pick-up Dry Cleaning
Run to Target for last minute Odds and Ends
Spray Tan
Stay up Late Finishing Packing
Friday:
Early Morning Workout
Get Ready
Final Packing Check
You my friend, have a jammed, packed schedule. { & this doesn’t even include work riddled throughout this week, along with other normal, daily tasks.}
You may have created a false narrative that tells you: “If I do not complete these tasks, I won’t have a great time because I would have failed myself before even making it to the event.” You won’t feel that you will look your best if you don’t do it all. You will fixate on the one thing you didn’t get to because well, life happened. Then tell someone openly at the event before they catch it (or before they don’t catch it, it is most likely something you are concerned about that no one else will notice) that “My nails looks awful, I totally meant to get them done.” It’s as if you made this self-imposed rule that you aren’t allowed at an event if you don’t do it all; you aren’t wearing white to one of Puff Daddy’s exclusive white parties in the 90s, and you won’t be allowed in.
It is at this point, where I am going to ask that you take a step back, take a breather, and ask yourself “Is that really true? If I cut my list in half, if I would rather sleep and feel well rested with family and friends this weekend and skip a line item, will I really miss the mark and not have fun?”
I don’t even have to ask you what you know the answer is.
And although it is important for you to be aware of that answer now, it is even more important that you know this point made for when it truly is game time: a week leading up to a meaningful, personal event.
Because wouldn’t you rather be present and clear-headed versus exhausted and run-down?
How-to Establish Boundaries… with Yourself
Step 1. Form Energy Awareness
Every person is unique.
That is self-explanatory. But I mean that in the sense that each person has different energy levels.
This means, that maybe when your coffee date friend, Matilda, was telling you about the hundred projects she is thriving off of, it made you cross-eyed trying to catch up. But you recognized that she is happy because she is an energy powerhouse, especially in this season of her life.
While at dinner with Jazmine, she is venting about how exhausted she is coming off of a big presentation at work and is really in need of clocking some sleep. She feels as if work has caught up to her and she is now entering a new season of rest.
While it may seem unfair, some people simply have more energy than others and may be in a different season of their life than yours.
It isn’t good and it isn’t bad, it is, what it is.
So, although I would like to provide you with the magic formula for how much time you should spend on each task, I cannot. But what I can tell you is that, you know.
You know when your body has reached its’ capacity.
When you need to put down the shake weight, get off of the Peloton and unwind in bed.
You know.
And it is time that you honor that inner knowing.
Step 2. Plan Ahead
I respect that some of the items I have listed in the example above contain tasks that need to be done right before the wedding. However, there are other items you could be doing even the weekend before. Also, looking forward at the coming weeks, knowing that you have a big event nearing, and ensuring that you aren’t over-doing it the week leading up to it, is a wise energy saver. Even if you have rescheduled Janet two times already, it is important that you honor your feelings of overwhelm building up as you project forward and know that you feel drawn to reschedule again.
I suggest marking a day on your calendar (say the 1st of each month), setting aside time to review the month ahead and properly outline your action steps.
Step 3. Cut the List in Half
Do you actually have to do all that you have listed? Better yet, do you actually enjoy those items? If you enjoy getting your nails done, go for it. If you would prefer to skip an eyebrow session, skip it! Do you have to clean your kitchen with a toothbrush ahead of hosting friends this weekend? Do you have to be the one to clean your home ahead of guests at all? What areas can you receive external support in? Projecting forward will help you identify where you can ask for help, in advance, so you don’t have to do it all when the time has arrived.
Your friends are visiting to see you. They want you to be present, calm and happy. They want to form more heart-warming memories. That is what truly matter.
There are always going to be tasks in life that you’ll need to address.
And as I recognized this analogy while working at a previous employer: “I have meetings upon meetings. I don’t even know why we have these meetings to begin with anymore.”
Which has now turned into “I have tasks upon tasks. I don’t even know why I am doing this to myself anymore.”
Take task inventory, get to know both yourself and your energy levels better, project forward and do your best to stress less.
Life isn’t about how much you accomplish in a day, it is about being happy. Focus on that, and you’ll never be steered wrong.
“Do each day all that can be done that day. You don’t need to overwork or to rush blindly into your work trying to do the greatest possible number of things in the shortest possible time. Don’t try to do tomorrow’s or next week’s work today. It’s not the number of things you do, but the quality, the efficiency of each separate action that count. To achieve this “habit of success,” you need only to focus on the most important tasks and succeed in each small task of each day.”