Your Reputation Proceeds You
Three Reasons on Why We Gossip
I recently heard on BBC’s Crowd Science’s podcast, Why do we Gossip?, the following remark:
“Telling someone not to gossip is like telling a fish not to swim, we cannot help it.”
Gossip, as stated by Time, The Science Behind Why People Gossip, is defined as “talking about people who aren’t present.” It typically includes exchanging information about a person that isn’t widely known and is considered to be conversational entertainment.
Time goes on to say that “People tend to think of gossip as synonymous with malicious rumors, put-downs or the breathless propagation of a tabloid scoop. […] [But it’s much broader than that] “It’s something that comes very naturally to us — an integral part of conversation, information sharing and even community building.”
Although I do not consider myself to be a gossiper, I would rather embarrassingly, and slightly shamefully, raise my hand if someone were to ask a room full of people if they gossiped from time-to-time. I usually find myself being receptive to hearing the latest chatter versus dishing it. However, in complete transparency, I do confide in those nearest and dearest to me, every now and again, surrounding the latest “word on the street.”
This got me thinking about the following questions:
“Why do we gossip?”
or
“Why do we participate in gossip?”
Three Theories on Why We Gossip
1. Gossiping to Make Yourself Feel Better
In further reflecting on moments of regretful gossip, I found that if I did do the dishing, it was at a time that I was going through a period of low self-esteem. That it had nothing to do with the third party not invited to the tattler party, rather it had everything to do with me at that time.
And in having conversations with close friends, it seems as if I am not alone.
The following example may feel all too familiar:
You have a girl’s weekend in a few days, the clothes you were going to wear now fit too snug for comfort and your skin is breaking out. Coupling that with some setbacks at work, you are feeling unlike yourself and you may even be experiencing a bought of insecurity.
You lay in bed to rest from a long day, distract yourself with social media, when you see an Instagram story featuring the beautiful and seemingly perfect, Dawn: hand on the hip pose, slinky dress and radiant smile.
You feel something within yourself falter.
Thoughts flood your mind:
“Dawn? Whatever happened to Dawn? Wait, she isn’t wearing a wedding ring anymore? Did she get divorced? Who can I ask?”
Then before you know it, girls’ weekend has arrived and after a couple of margaritas, you ask the question to the larger group:
“Did you see Dawn’s Instagram!? She isn’t wearing her wedding ring! Do you know what happened? Do you think someone cheated?!”
And then there you have it, you have not only bought a ticket to, but are also the conductor on, the gossip train.
In this case specifically, there is a correlation between insecurity and gossip.
And I believe that it may stem from the desire to find a connection point with someone who feels unattainable.
Someone who presents themselves in such a manner, as if they have it all. Then, hearing information that states otherwise, makes us feel better because there suddenly is a realization that they are human, too.
Just like us.
2. Gossiping to Obtain Practical Information
Then, there is the type of gossip that is considered to be a form of true information gathering. The best example I can think of is being a member of the Human Resources Department at a large company. You rely on fellow manager’s feedback about their team, their words describing each person, to make appropriate decisions.
Another example includes asking a friend for an electrician referral. Your friend provides you with one and states that they are reliable, trustworthy and have a good work-ethic. This is technically speaking about someone without their knowing, but more so for purpose.
And as BBC’s Crowd Science’s podcast stated: “It has a social control purpose, as well as a bonding purpose, because if you don’t keep up with what’s going on and you don’t know who you can trust and who you can’t, you aren’t going to do very well socially.”
3. Gossiping, just because
Gossiping is a form of entertainment. It has been for quite some time. And I sincerely believe that a majority of dinner conversations include it. However, I also believe there are various shades of it. From information gathering to updating a friend on a family member to the shitty kind that is truly hurtful and vindictive, we typically fall into one category in social engagements.
As Time states: “There's an intimacy” to sharing experiences and feeling like you're on the same page about others. […] Research has found that gossip can stave off loneliness, while other studies have found it can facilitate bonding and closeness and serve as a form of entertainment.”
And yes, I also believe that gossip queens do exist and thrive on making a game out of it.
But I don’t go near that game or those people.
The only thing I can think of the reasoning behind this is that either, they find pure entertainment out of discussing other people’s lives and decisions or they are from a long lineage of gossipers and are having a tough go breaking the cycle because they only know the example their parents have given them.
So, what is my stance on gossip?
I think that people cringe hearing the word and the negative association with it.
But that people still do it anyways.
What I personally care most about is the intention behind the information sharing. I know how it feels to be the one being gossiped about (who doesn’t?), and as a result, I do my best to keep communications as clean as possible. This is easy to do when you surround yourself by those who also have the same value system as you do. You tend to hold each other accountable and steer conversations in a positive light.
And if I find myself at a large, unfamiliar social engagement, sitting next to gossip Gale, I politely try to steer the conversation in a different direction, or excuse myself.
As the saying goes “your reputation proceeds you.” This means, that good or bad, individuals have heard remarks about you prior to meeting you.
And wouldn’t you want those remarks to be trustworthy and kind?
I know I would.
“Often those that criticize others reveal what he himself lacks.”
(Sources: Time, The Science Behind Why People Gossip-And When it Can be a Good Thing by Sophia Gottfried, Phycology Today, Rumor Has It - Why People Gossip and How You Can Cope by Jennifer Lea Reynolds, BBC Crowd Science’s podcast, Why do we gossip?)