Confessions of a Self-Inflicted Busy Burnout
As I collapse into bed at night, the ability to think clearly muddied by overwhelm and full-body exhaustion, a question creeps into my mind: “I have to do this all over again tomorrow?”
Tomorrow would be another day packed with many moving pieces, meticulously placed and planned out well in advance, planned out to such a degree that I often forget what day of the week it is. Remembering dates has become a thing of the past. Nowadays, I am lucky if I remember what month it is.
“One wrong move, and the day becomes shit,” I think to myself, jaded, as I slowly roll over to glance at the most used app on my phone: my calendar. The number 47 glares at me in the form of a text bubble reminding me of either those who deserve a response or pesky marketers I’ve been meaning to block after signing up to receive a discount.
Scrolling through texts from loved ones inquiring about getting together weeks in advance start to give me anxiety rather than excitement, as I fumble back to my calendar to play chess with future dates. An internal algorithm switches into gear and I consider holidays, birthdays, dates of travel, school events, personal commitments, go-to weekly workout routines, my husband’s work travel; all to land on one favorable date. I type the date out and click “send” and shift to the next text.
When did planning time to connect, laugh and let my hair down with friends become overshadowed by apathy? Why is it that when the night finally arrives to get together, that I feel a tinge of disinterest and would rather be in bed? What is going on with me?
I place my phone back on my nightstand, numb to the guilt of leaving several emails unread. Laying my head back on my pillow and placing my hands folded in my lap, I close my eyes and begin to breathe deeply, knowing that this is the one thing that helps me to gather my thoughts and emotions.
Breathing in and out slowly, I look down at myself from a third-party perspective.
I see someone who is racing breathlessly from one activity or appointment to the next. Who pivots from writer to friend to daughter to mom and wife at the drop of a hat. Who is a giver who lives to give even if she, herself, is depleted. Who wants to honor and celebrate each and every incredible person in her life daily, but who is too tired to muster up the energy to properly do so. Who packs her days in with so many low priority commitments that she drops the ball and confuses appointments or forgets them altogether. Who feels that fun has to be earned. Who juggles home renovations, kid’s calendars, babysitters, writing, appointments daily. Who is running herself into the ground to do it all, be it all. Who is so busy being busy that she has lost sight of why she is doing all that she is doing. Who is anxious, disconnected, exhausted and uninspired.
I see someone who is burned out.
And that person who I see is me.
This is not the vision I had for my life.
The “I’m Too Busy” Burnout
In my unfortunate experience, burnout either occurs as an outcome of taking on too many things all at once or being all-consumed by one thing that isn’t serving me.
When I was becoming acquainted with myself in my twenties, I burnt out from both examples occurring simultaneously: I was maxed out in most areas of my life, and I was in a demanding job that wasn’t a good fit. And although being a workaholic is one of the primary examples of burnout, I want to focus on burnout from a different vantage point. Something I am describing as burnout from a constant state of urgency in everyday life. The “everything is a priority and must get done now” type of burnout. The one that robs us of presence, intentionality, connection, and wholehearted living. The type of burnout that most people can relate to is the most contagious and is also the hardest to stop.
How did we get here?
How did we get to a place of a hurried and hectic way of living?
Several years ago, our world halted, and we re-evaluated everything. We worked remotely, moved, started an array of new hobbies, or took on a lot of unexpected childcare. Then when the world resumed once more, we leapt into the opportunity to socialize, travel, celebrate, try new experiences: we got excited. It was as if we as the collective all decided one morning fresh off of the high from our first cup of coffee that we were going to say yes to all of life in unison. We did not want to miss out on living fully ever again.
And we don’t have to. Most everything is accessible now, making it harder to say no. One outcome of this is the ability to work remotely. This cuts the commute time out, creates the opportunity to complete personal items in secrecy during online meetings, allows you to squeeze in a ten-minute workout, all adding up to a newfound amount of time for you to use elsewhere once the workday is officially done. Even if one person is remote, and their friend works in-office, the likelihood that the in-office friend is influenced to see their remote friend out of office post-work increases because of the remote friend’s flexibility to meet nearby. More time to accomplish more personal tasks = more time to plan more personal tasks. It is a never-ending cycle.
Also, since everything—every business, every group, every school, every event—was put on pause, it resulted in one powerful mega-burst of activity all at once because each group was ready to show up fresh in the world once more to prove its existence. And guess who had to show up as a participant of these? That’s right. Us.
During this suspension, many people re-evaluated their life. They determined a career wasn’t best suited for them, or that their priorities have evolved, or that there were newfound passions to follow. Many new businesses were formed as a result, which created new waves of opportunity for us to take part in, in addition to the other activities we originally signed up for.
And lastly, we missed being in the presence of others, we missed socializing, adventure-seeking, living carefree. We said yes to everything because we had to say no to most things for far too long. Exercising our “yes” made us feel as if we had freedom and control over our lives once more. Ironically, it is the same yes that now may make us feel confined, overwhelmed, and out of control.
As if we are back to where we first started.
{Sigh}
Overcommitted. Overtired. Over it all.
Now, it isn’t the career path that is consuming me, but the number of commitments I have made and the lack of time I have to dedicate to each of them.
My life is full of a lot of things I care deeply about: my marriage, family, friendships, faith, spirituality, career, health and wellness, home life. Each of these needs nurturing. And when something needs doing, that need feels urgent and important.
Even the things that are “supposed” to fill my cup can end up emptying it. I want to go on a girl’s trip with friends, but that requires finding dates, booking flights, researching hotels, finding childcare, running errands, making reservations. Once all that is done, phew—I anticipate a sigh of relief. But then let’s say hypothetically that the night before I leave my daughter comes down with a stomach bug
After all that heartfelt work and excitement to be with my best friends, I feel myself plummet into a pit of despair and disappointment. I can’t make the trip, and I also get a stomach bug. The days I set aside for rest and connection now have turned into days of nurturing myself back to health while watching the other components of my life halt altogether.
I am overwhelmed, saddened, and defeated.
But I also do not have time to sit with these emotions because there are the other buckets of my life that are demanding of my attention.
Now I am bitter, confused, lost, and may even resent certain roles because my carefully thought-out plan went to shit, and everything else that I have taken hours to put together fell apart.
What’s the point?
We—all of us—have a LOT going on. From planning to executing to rescheduling, we can find ourselves on one heck of a never-ending cycle that may take away from our day-to-day joy and may blind us to being present and may lead to burnout. All because we have taken on a lot. We are spread thin and one false move may result in a week’s long backlog of stress, depletion and exhaustion.
So, how exactly is someone supposed to take on less and avoid burnout?
Believe me, I need this answer just as much as you do right about now.
Applying Aloe to the Burn
When writing this blog, my best friend turned to me and said, “you know, there is a book called Burnout, you should consider reading it.” I suddenly saw the book’s cover flash before my eyes: Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by sisters Emily Nagoski PhD and Amelia Nagoski DMA. It stood proud in my self-care library of intended reads. I spent several days after my self-diagnosed burnout, listening to it, soaking in its knowledge, and felt my body unwind from its tight grasp on life with every turn of the page.
Amongst the many pearls of wisdom this book offers, two things really stood out and helped me to gain perspective.
1.) Stress Cycles: The book Burnout speaks to doing your best to end a stress cycle before it causes burnout, even if you cannot put a stop to the source of your stress. It lists a multitude of scientific and grounding ways you can do so from breathing, to meditating, to even hugging a friend for an extended period of time. But just visualizing burnout as being a cycle, a never-ending circle, that we have the power to make linear—a line with a beginning, maybe a middle and most definitely an end—empowered me.
I was able to identify moments in my life when I was about to spiral. I started to step out of the stress cycle and take part in breathwork or walking, to come back to myself. Without this, I kept going and going, planning, and planning without rationale, my head spinning in circles.
With this, I have found I am more present and intentional, I stop to ask myself, “What is the true priority?” or “Can this wait? Is the stress telling me to nurture some other aspect of myself right now?” Or the big one, “Is what I am stressed about something I am actually passionate about taking part in?” It has slowed me down significantly, made me press pause on planning, opting out of activities that don’t feel good, and become more intentional which all provided increased purpose in my life. Which leads us to our follow-up epiphany:
2.) Your Why: Identify your why, your reason behind why you are doing or taking part in or volunteering for or planning whatever it is that you are, and check in with yourself.
My why, my greater sense of purpose, is to be a light to as many people as possible every day. A significant piece of this is that I write to heal, to nurture, to encourage and raise spirits and vibrations. Another part of this is to ensure I am nurturing myself in order to heal others. Aside from faith, spirituality, my family, and values, being a light on earth is the one big picture purpose that I must ensure I prioritize.
Additionally, I now ask myself “Why am I doing this?” to everything I list out on my to-do list. Usually, everything I write down has a purpose, but some things I decided spur of the moment, maybe on a coffee high perhaps, that is something I most definitely had bandwidth to do at that time, I now realize I don’t have anything else left in me to dedicate time to. So, I forgo it.
Purpose behind productivity provides a greater sense of accomplishment and positivity, no matter how intensive the activity is.
The Cool Down
Now, as I am coming off of my own stress cycle, I realize the influence of breaking an innate pattern with awareness and intentionality has in changing the trajectory of each day. And although I may not be able to stop the excess activity all at once, I am reminded of the authority behind exercising “no thank you” in order to say yes to present, positive, and connected wholehearted living once more.
Now, I go to bed with the peace of mind that my head is checking in with my heart before it checks in with my schedule and the confidence that now, there is essence behind my action.
“Burnout is nature’s way of telling you you’ve been going through the motions your soul has departed.”
Edited by the lovely & talented, Ali Weeks, Moxie Writing Co.
Sources: Oxford Languages, Definition of Burnout, National Library of Medicine, Depression, What is Burnout?,Psychology Today, Burnout, The Mayo Clinic, Signs You’re Burned Out
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycleby Emily Nagoski PhD, Amelia Nagoski DMA